State of Mind
by Kaleb Freelove
Summary: This is the journal of Kaleb Trenton, a tortured Downworlder in The Circle's Clave World. (Its a forum thing) I mostly write poems and sometimes captions to go with them. Not too many stories.
1. Intro

**So this is basically my manly diary. **

**NOT FOR BABIES!  
****NOT FOR WIMPS!  
NOT FOR NORMAL PEOPLE!**

I'm not going to talk much about the experiments, but mostly the effects of it and maybe some memories.

This is sort of a wussy poem. This is not what I would normally write.

_Always,_

_The present hurts,  
The past scars.  
The future terrifies._

_Today,_

_My present is full of loneliness,  
My past is full of pain,  
And my future is known._

_As a kid,_

_My present was scary,  
My past was a distant memory,  
And my future was filled with runes that burned my faerie skin off the bone._


	2. Hati

**Hati**

_I told Hati to believe me,  
__that I wouldn't let her die,  
__but she jumped.  
__I watched her fall,_

_fall,_

_fall,_

_then splat.  
__I saw her blood fly,  
__and heard her cries fill the air.  
__Because I am evil, she said.  
__Because I am demon.  
__I said she was lying.  
__That she was looking for an excuse._

_But faeries don't lie  
__and Hati doesn't look for excuses._

_She said I am demon,  
__she said I am evil.  
__And that my life caused her death._

_And she was right._

I woke up with flashes of Hati in my mind, her smile, her laugh. I remember her green hair, her eyes and the way they shone green as well, her teeth and the way the canines pointed like a vampire's, her ears and the way they pointed. Everything. I could see her tan skin and gorgeous features, the way she worshiped Shadowhunters and hated most of the Seelie Court. The way her wings fluttered when she was stressed, synchronized with her green cartoon eyelashes. Just her. Strong and clumsy, not in grace but personality. Never cautious enough. She was depressed all the time, though the Fair Folk never respected that. They thought she was just lazy. But she was never just one of those.

_She was different; special.  
__She was Hati.  
__She was my best friend.  
__Then the girl I missed.  
__Then the love of my life.  
__And then she was dead._

_My Fault._


	3. Runner

**Runner**

_"Where are we?"_

_Hati cried.  
__She wanted to go home,  
__where she felt less than pride.  
__She hated it there,  
__but she hated this worse.  
__We shared a room,  
__we shared everything.  
__She sat by and watched,  
__with her mouth gagged and tied,  
__while I got tortured,  
__until my skin burned off._

_"You ran away from home."  
__the man tells me.  
__We call him Green,  
__because he always looks sick._

_"You're families hate you."  
Green tells Hati.  
"Because you left them alone."_

_He draws hot runes,  
that melt my faerie skin.  
He sticks in needles,  
that burn in my veins._

_And I'm dying, I know.  
When scars spread along my face.  
When one night,  
something breaks out of my back._

_Blood covers our room,  
and Hati is gone.  
She sits in the corner all day,  
tears on her face._

_And I know,  
in the end,_

_We're both dead._

They used us. They took me to get rid of the angel, trying to drain it out of me, and they took Hati so people would think I ran. So people would think that I did this on purpose. But never would I go through such pain just to express an opinion. It was all pain, and, in the end, neither of us really lived.

_Especially Hati._


	4. Katy

**Katy**

_There's a scientist in the booth.  
__Katy says she's sorry.  
__That they have her kid,  
__and this is the only thing she can do._

_This morning she came into my room,  
her tears on her face  
and blood on her hands._

_"He's dead!"  
she screamed._

_"They killed him!"  
she cried._

_"You need to escape."  
she whispered. _

_She was smaller than me,  
even though I was sixteen.  
But she was stronger than me,  
I was so sickly._

_"You and Hati, go that way."  
"Sneak."_

_"I will be screaming,  
to drive them to me."  
"My baby is dead.  
No one will miss me."_

_She cried and ran,  
and they chased her down.  
I heard the gunshot.  
And yeah, I ran._

_Hati and I  
We got out.  
We were in the middle of a desert.  
And ran for miles. _

_We built a home on the edge of a town,  
__living in a small cave  
that became our home for half a year._

_And then Hati grew.  
We were just 17,  
and she was going to have a baby._

_We said we would name her Katy.  
And the Silent Brothers told me.  
I am a demon,  
the baby is a demon._

_I am an angel,  
but the baby is just cursed._

_"No."  
I cried._

_"Not my baby..."  
And Hati said its my fault.  
And then she jumped.  
And now they're both gone._

I never even met my daughter, but I did know her. I could imagine her perfect combination of Hati and I. My black hair and Hati's green eyes. Of course she would be beautiful, as a faerie. But, in my mind, she also had my smartness and Hati's determinedness. She would make stands for herself and others. She would really be my perfect baby girl. We were going to name her Katy Ashton, a combination of both Hati and my last names. I guess she's not real though. She is dead and always will be. But, someday, when I have another, I will name her Katy, too. For the daughter I almost had.

_Ave and farewell, Katy._


	5. Broken

**Broken**

_If she knew about my cuts,  
__Could she love me?_

_I know she cuts,  
__She told me.  
But could she handle someone so broken?_

_Who not only can't help her,  
__But really needs help, too?_

_Apparently she can,  
she kissed me._

_Apparently I can too,  
because I fell in love with her._

_I remember my past,  
a girl I used to love.  
I love her still,  
and I don't love her any less._

_I love Sky, too.  
Equal to Hati.  
Like my heart got divided,  
between the living and the dead._

_I don't need to explain,  
I know she gets it.  
Her family is gone, too.  
And that's how we connected._

**Ps. I'm about to post a second one today.**


	6. Sky

**Sky**

_I need my mind not to have to carry the burden  
of the sadness of my life.  
And her goofy little quirks,  
keep my heart light._

_She does weird things,  
and talks even weirder._

_But she makes me laugh,  
she keeps me happy,  
and that is all I needed._

_When she's sad,  
we can be sad together.  
So neither feels alone._

_Because with her,  
my life itself is better._

_I have found a new home._

**Ps. Its a little baby poem! Look how tiny it is!**

**XD that's not what I wanted to say. I had a chapter posted before this today, so if you missed that...**


	7. Chinese Food

**So, going through my poems, I decided that Katy (4) is my favorite. I mean, what happened is sucky but I think I wrote that one best. So, both Hati and I were 17 when she got pregnant, which seems weird, but we were living alone without any human contact at all and before then, we'd been living with the rest of our kind (faeries) and had, again, no exposure to mundanes. Having children at 17 is normal for Fair Folk, teen pregnancy to mundanes, and just a liiittttlllleeee too early for some Shadowhunters, unless you are the type that is super reckless and has a high likelihood to get yourself killed in the morning.**

**Also, I forgot what goes here. Never mind.**

**(So this poem is because I am bored and Kaleb making Chinese food.)**

**Chinese Food**

_"I'm pregnant!"  
Hati squealed, jumping up and down.  
"We're having a little baby!"  
She giggled when I spun her around._

_"There must be a celebration!"  
I laughed, dragging her to the kitchen.  
"What should I cook?"  
I ask, grabbing our shopping bags and my keys._

_"Chinese!"  
She squealed with delight,  
excited for the first time in a while._

_"Chinese it is!"  
I come back with full bags,  
then start cooking a feast for kings._

_She sits on the counter,  
swinging her legs and making bad puns.  
And when I let her help with rice,  
she drops the bowl._

_"You're useless."  
I push her and she laughs and falls down._

_"I don't cook."  
She admits,  
and continues goofing around._

_We attacked the food,  
laughing the whole time.  
The food was great,  
but I cooked way too much._

_We leave it on the table  
and head to the Institute,  
to figure out the gender of our baby girl._

_But, along the way, she started getting scared.  
I couldn't figure it out until we got there.  
"It will have demon blood."  
The Silent Brother said.  
And I was fine, but not Hati._

_We went back home,  
but she pulled the car over by the cliff._

_And I packed up the leftovers alone._


End file.
